Happy Housewife®
Urban Tranquility Pill
For when the cooking, the cleaning and the baby become too much. Take one capsule by mouth whenever it all gets to be too much.
May cause drowsiness. And everything else.
Learn about Happy HousewifeHappy Housewife® Urban Tranquility Pill
Your problems, like your motor skills, will be a thing of the past.
Being a mixture of Prozac, Valium, Xanax, horse tranquilizers and many other well-known sedatives and antidepressants, Happy Housewife lets your problems melt away as you slip deeper and deeper into a peaceful state of induced euphoria.
Paid spokesperson. Paid in Happy Housewife.
Same Tuesday. Whole new her.
Our new Fast-Acting Release capsule goes to work in under five minutes. She was dancing by 2:19.
Individual results may vary.
Making drugs the FDA wouldn’t even test since 1994.
- 9,000capsules per bottle
- Unlimitedrefills
- 31years without an FDA approval
- 0recalls we have opened the mail for
Our Medicines
Relief for every room in the house.
Mondazine™ Extended Release
Take Sunday night. Wake up Tuesday.
Do not take Mondazine if you have a job.
Inlawdrin™ Holiday Pack
Fast relief from Thanksgiving, in a four-day Christmas strength.
Do not mix with eggnog. Or do. We are not your mother-in-law.
Dadvil® Garage Strength
For the father who is just resting his eyes.
Keep out of reach of the thermostat.
Nostalgex™
Remember the good old days. Vividly. Whether or not they happened.
May cause storytelling.
Kramitol™ Workplace Strength
For everything you can’t say at work. Swallow it. Then swallow Kramitol.
Do not take within 30 minutes of a performance review.
Euphemax™ Soft Language
Helps you say “between opportunities” instead of “fired.”
Clinically proven to add syllables.
Bootstrapamine™ Self-Made
For pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
Boots not included. Straps not covered by insurance.
Project Monsoon
Name withheld. Details under embargo. The breakthrough insiders say could change everything you drink.
What we can sayMeet Your Care Team
Here for you, every step of the way.
Wellness Director
Cam
Cam has personally delivered more than 9,000 capsules, most of them to the right address.
Clinical Research
Lab Rat
Has run every trial we have ever done. Has been in every trial we have ever done.
Patient Services
Raccoon
Will find you.
Personal Care
Alley Cat
Available 24 hours. You can tell.
Quality Control
Magpie
Inspects every capsule. Keeps the shiny ones.
Satisfied Customer
Housewife
Has not stopped smiling since 2001.
In-Home Care
While you rest, your care team takes it from here.
Every Happy Housewife household includes in-home childcare from Personal Care and Clinical Research. Personal Care handles the feeding. Clinical Research handles the observation. The baby has never been more studied.
Care team not licensed or endorsed by the FDA, or by anyone with a baby.
Press Release · Investor Relations
Kamikaze Pharmaceuticals Declines Brawndo Acquisition Offer
LUBBOCK, Texas. Kamikaze Pharmaceuticals (NASDAQ: KMKZ) today confirmed that it has declined an unsolicited offer from Brawndo Corporation, and that its research division will turn its full attention to the billion-dollar brain-damage industries: energy drinks, tackle football, daytime television and the comment section.
“Brawndo offered us a great deal of money and a lifetime supply of Brawndo. We have seen what a lifetime supply of Brawndo does to a lifetime.”Dr. R. Feelgood, Founder and Chief Executive OfficerRead the full release
Pipeline
Tomorrow’s medicines. Today’s volunteers.
ProgramForPhaseStatus
Project Monsoon KMK-001 · mRNARedacted redacted redacted. The one Brawndo is worried about.IIIUnder embargo.
Ringabell™ KMK-007Tackle football. Gets players back on the field faster by helping them forget they ever left it.IIResults pending. Participants cannot recall.
Plummetrin™ KMK-012The energy-drink crash. Instead of one big crash at 3 PM, Plummetrin spreads it evenly across the rest of your life.IIOn schedule. Nobody has slept.
Trollazepam™ KMK-019The comment section. You will still read every comment. You will no longer reply.IPaused. The rats unionized.
Daytimazine™ KMK-023Daytime television. Restores the will to change the channel.IEnrolling. Participants have not moved.
Ask your doctor if Happy Housewife is right for you.
No doctor? No problem. Cam makes house calls.
Report a side effect: (737) 234-5134