Investor Relations
Kamikaze Pharmaceuticals is the fastest-growing name in medicine that has never been tested. We would like to thank our shareholders, our patients and, most of all, the Brawndo Corporation, whose offer told the market exactly what we are worth.
Press Release · For Immediate Release
LUBBOCK, Texas. Kamikaze Pharmaceuticals (NASDAQ: KMKZ) today confirmed that it has declined an unsolicited offer from Brawndo Corporation (NYSE: BRWN) to acquire the company.
“Brawndo offered us a great deal of money and a lifetime supply of Brawndo. We have seen what a lifetime supply of Brawndo does to a lifetime.”Dr. R. Feelgood, Founder and Chief Executive Officer
Kamikaze also announced that its research division will turn its full attention to the billion-dollar brain-damage industries: energy drinks, tackle football, daytime television and the comment section. “These are industries that have spent decades damaging the brain without any help from science,” said Dr. Feelgood. “We intend to help.”
The move is powered by BrainWave™, Kamikaze’s new mRNA platform, which teaches the body to make its own medicine. The first BrainWave program, code-named Project Monsoon, enters Phase III this quarter.
Brawndo Corporation did not respond to a request for comment. It later issued a statement saying it “didn’t want them anyway.”
Forward-looking statements: this release contains them. Look away.
Analyst Notes
Theory 1 · The capsule
A capsule that goes to work in under five minutes is worth billions to a company that sells cans. Brawndo Corporation has tried for years to put electrolytes in a pill. Its own attempt, Brawndo E, is a capsule full of Brawndo.
Theory 2 · The red herring
Insiders say the capsule is what Kamikaze wants Brawndo to chase. The real prize is Project Monsoon, the mRNA program in Phase III. One analyst, speaking on condition that her name be withheld, called it “an extinction-level event for the beverage aisle, if it works.”
Project Monsoon · KMK-001
It is mRNA. It is in Phase III. It is the reason a $1.9 trillion company called us on a Sunday. The rest of this paragraph is under embargo until the product launches next year and
Kamikaze Pharmaceuticals does not comment on rumors, except here.
This product is not licensed or endorsed by the FDA. Some rats under clinical testing have experienced side effects such as gonorrhea, diarrhea, chlamydia, herpes and lung cancer, and in some rare cases blurry vision, double vision, tunnel vision, no vision, television and X-ray vision.
Also: triskaidekaphobia, chlorophobia, arachnophobia and the irrational fear of clowns.
Do not take Happy Housewife if you are allergic to Happy Housewife, happiness or houses. Do not take Happy Housewife with alcohol, without alcohol, or near a lake.
Once you regain functional cognition, tell your doctor about any problems you remember.
